Sunday, September 20, 2009

Serious Health Warning: MALE PATTERN BLINDNESS!

So something’s been happening around my house lately. Or rather, to my son.

I mean, I knew he was a boy. The doctor told me so on the day he was born. And I was thrilled. Ecstatic. A boy! My boy. And, boy, how this boy would be different. A sensitive, sweet boy. The kind who would listen to what women had to say, who would talk…actually *talk* when asked questions, engaging in, get this, conversation. He wouldn’t respond to questions with just one-word answers or, worse, grunts.

And he was. For years, my little angel told me precious things, like that he wanted to marry me and live with me forever. Okay, maybe not for years, maybe just when he was four, but it was still the sweetest thing ever. And when he hugged, it was different than when the girls did it. His hugs were softer, cuddlier. He melted into me. I wanted to eat him up.

And then it started, a few years ago…the change.

At first it was just the no-more-hand-holding in public. Okay, fine, he doesn’t want to be a sissy, I could live with that. I kept my own hands stuffed carefully inside my pockets, lest I forget the rule.

Then it was the transition into the one-word conversation.

Me: “How was your day?”
Him: “Fine.”
Me: “What’d you do?”
Him: “Nothin’.”
Me: “Really? Nothing?”
And, usually, I could coax him back into the world of multi-word dialogue.

But lately, it’s other things, too. Man things.

I honestly believed that this most recent affliction was restricted only to my husband, but as I’ve asked around, it seems that it’s more of a male species sort of thing.

MALE PATTERN BLINDNESS.

So how can you spot the warning signs of Male Pattern Blindness? Well, the answer is simple, conversations between you and the male in question will go a little something like this:

Potentially infected male: “Have you seen my [insert any item here: remote control/car keys/Coca Cola]?”

You: “Where have you looked?”

Him: “Everywhere.” (Note the one-word response)

You: “Did you look in the [insert most obvious location here: couch/pockets/fridge]?”

Him: “Uh-huh.” (This is very nearly a grunt)

You: *sigh* “Fine. Let me look.” You check and find said item in the *exact* location you just discussed. Sitting in plain sight. Or in the case of the remote, possibly wedged slightly between two cushions, which as you can imagine *would* be somewhat confusing.

Ladies, I’m begging you, this is serious! This is neither a joke nor a drill. We need to act quickly before our sons and brothers are poisoned by whatever is ailing or husbands and fathers.

I’m worried that I might already be too late for my sweet little boy, that hormones have already clouded his vision so badly that he can no longer see that bright red can of Coke staring at him from the shelf on the fridge.

Let’s not let it happen to your sons too.

15 comments:

Christy Raedeke said...

OMG! My son is not yet 6 and has already been afflicted! I guess I should not be so surprised--my husband is a strong MPB gene carrier. *sigh* It was inevitable.

On a serious note I will be SO sad when the hand holding ends! I'm hoping I have another couple of years before the no touch/no talk kicks in.

Heidi R. Kling said...

HAH that's my life too!
My husband and and 6 year old son can't see a thing!
And my boy used to promise me the Forever Love as well. He does still hold my hand in public though. Sometimes.

rebrebs said...

just like my husband and my dad, why do they seem to think we know where everything is? And nothing drives me bonkers more than a 'nothing' in response to 'what are you doing, or what did you do today?' men!

Lisa and Laura said...

It's got to be a bad sign when this is already happening to your 4-year-old, right?

Little Ms J said...

Oh dear Lord. I have no kids, but my husband has a horrible case of this blindness. I'm about to buy him his third (YES, as in one, two and three) wedding ring. The first one was almost $400 and his third is somewhere around 37.99. I would feel bad if he didn't also lose his wallet, his scuba license and his birth certificate.

JennyMac said...

HAHAHAHAHA...this cracks me up! This inability to locate has happened in our house more often that I can count. Luckily, our little man is only 2 so we haven't go to those conversations yet.

Patti said...

It's so nice to see that I'm not alone.

Tam said...

Been living with this for years. I used to find some smug satisfaction in always being able to locate the lost items; it made me feel superior. Now it just pisses me off. How is it that a kid can find a pack of gum in the bottom of my ten gallon purse, but can't find a gallon of milk that is partially blocked by a small tub of cream cheese???

Shelli said...

mine's two! and i get grunts....but i get the hugs too and Ill cherish them more after this :(

Carrie Harris said...

My son is 5. You've frightened me now. I'm going to go hide under the couch. Maybe he'll come find me. If not, I know he's showing symptoms early.

Hardygirl said...

Uh oh. My oldest DAUGHTER seems to have this affliction. It's amazing. My other two girls don't have it.

sf

Anthony said...

Ladies, you have it all wrong.

As fathers, we teach our boys that it is our duty as gentlemen to make woman feel special when ever possible. By allowing you to locate items for us, we create an environment which is comforting to your fragile psychies, while at the same time placating your needs for control and self validation.

This is just another of the many things we men do to show how much respect and admiration we have for the other gender.

Yours is humble and selfless service, MEN.

P.S. - If there other items regarding men that are difficult to understand, I am availible for private consultation should the need arise.

Suzanne Young said...

HAHAHA This is my house! Both my son and husband have it! Do you have any suggestions on where to get help???

Katie said...

Oh Lordy. My husband has this for sure! You crack me up :-)

Kimberly Derting said...

I knew I wasn't alone. My next biggest fear is that my son will move out and actually believe that he doesn't have to call me. Every. Single. Day!

Oh, and Anthony, nice try! We know you're just as blind as the rest of them!!! ;)