Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Serious Health Warning: MALE PATTERN BLINDNESS! (Redux)

Today my husband came upstairs to ask me to help him look for his wallet because he'd "looked everywhere" and couldn't find it. When I came downstairs, it was sitting right on the counter. In plain sight. Right. On. The. Counter.


It made me think of a blog post I'd done a couple of years ago, so in honor of my husband's morning gaffe, I decided to re-post this serious health warning to all you women out there:

(Originally posted Sept. 20, 2009)

So something’s been happening around my house lately. Or rather, to my son.

I mean, I knew he was a boy. The doctor told me so on the day he was born. And I was thrilled. Ecstatic. A boy! My boy. And, boy, how this boy would be different. A sensitive, sweet boy. The kind who would listen to what women had to say, who would talk…actually *talk* when asked questions, engaging in, get this, conversation. He wouldn’t respond to questions with just one-word answers or, worse, grunts.

And he was. For years, my little angel told me precious things, like that he wanted to marry me and live with me forever. Okay, maybe not for years, maybe just when he was four, but it was still the sweetest thing ever. And when he hugged, it was different than when the girls did it. His hugs were softer, cuddlier. He melted into me. I wanted to eat him up.

And then it started, a few years ago…the change.

At first it was just the no-more-hand-holding in public. Okay, fine, he doesn’t want to be a sissy, I could live with that. I kept my own hands stuffed carefully inside my pockets, lest I forget the rule.

Then it was the transition into the one-word conversation.

Me: “How was your day?”
Him: “Fine.”
Me: “What’d you do?”
Him: “Nothin’.”
Me: “Really? Nothing?”
And, usually, I could coax him back into the world of multi-word dialogue.

But lately, it’s other things, too. Man things.

I honestly believed that this most recent affliction was restricted only to my husband, but as I’ve asked around, it seems that it’s more of a male species sort of thing.


So how can you spot the warning signs of Male Pattern Blindness? Well, the answer is simple, conversations between you and the male in question will go a little something like this:

Potentially infected male: “Have you seen my [insert any item here: remote control/car keys/Coca Cola]?”

You: “Where have you looked?”

Him: “Everywhere.” (Note the one-word response)

You: “Did you look in the [insert most obvious location here: couch/pockets/fridge]?”

Him: “Uh-huh.” (This is very nearly a grunt)

You: *sigh* “Fine. Let me look.” You check and find said item in the *exact* location you just discussed. Sitting in plain sight. Or in the case of the remote, possibly wedged slightly between two cushions, which as you can imagine *would* be somewhat confusing.

Ladies, I’m begging you, this is serious! This is neither a joke nor a drill. We need to act quickly before our sons and brothers are poisoned by whatever is ailing or husbands and fathers.

I’m worried that I might already be too late for my sweet little boy, that hormones have already clouded his vision so badly that he can no longer see that bright red can of Coke staring at him from the shelf on the fridge.

Let’s not let it happen to your sons too.


Gina Smith said...

It is really an serious eye problem.You have done fantastic job by providing detailed information about it in this article.So thanks for sharing this amazing article.

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Kristina said...

Lol, my husband is already there. Ive helped him find some of those plain sight items. I just laugh at him and tell him he is getting old.

Marsha Sigman said...

All of mine are infected already. If only I'd heeded the warning signs sooner.

I've also noticed signs of selective hearing loss. Usually when it pertains to cleaning their room or taking out the trash.

Kimberly Derting said...

Gina - I should probably consider branching out into health blogging as well, don't you think?

Kristina - I wish I knew what the cure is...it would save us all a lot of aggravation. And time. It would definitely save us a lot of time.

Marsha - YES! Selective hearing. I wonder if there's a correlation between the two. Maybe studies will be done soon ;)

Melissa Conroy said...

I haven't lived at home in ten years, but my father still asks me, "Honey, where is the broom/soldering kit/milk/tarp/black socks/hammer/Ajax?" whenever Mom is gone and I'm hanging out at the house with Dad. The worse thing is, he doesn't even make an effort at trying to find the items: he just defaults to asking me in a befuddled tone.